I can heal the sick and raise the dead

Music – Beck & The Flaming Lips – Nicotine & Gravy

Construction crews have been working tirelessly on the street just below my apartment for the last two weeks, creating big piles of dirt, traffic jams, and ostensibly doing some kind of maintenance below-ground.  I can’t actually see them from my window, but based purely on the noise, I believe I’ve determined their exact daily work schedule:

5:30 AM – Arrive on site.  Drive all vehicles in reverse so they make incessant beeping noises.

5:40 AM – 6:00 AM – Greet co-workers and announce start of workday by banging on a street sign with a wrench for twenty goddamn minutes.

6:00 AM – 6:10 AM – Unload tools and materiel from back of trucks by lowering the tailgates and punching the gas.

6:10 AM – 6:20 AM – Sort out giant tool piles.  Bang tools together excitedly.  Begin jackhammering.

6:20 AM – 6:45 AM – Saw things.  Continue jackhammering.

6:50 AM – Sunrise

7:00 AM – Blast some airhorns. Turn on World War 2-era diesel generator.

7:10 AM – Stop jackhammering. Yell at someone named “Pancho” for bringing the wrong types of mochas and lattes to the site.

7:15 AM – 7:40 AM Place low-yield dynamite charges into holes in the ground.

7:45 AM – Detonate explosives.  Resume jackhammering.

7:50 AM – 8:10 AM – Enjoy cacophony of car alarms and crying babies set off by dynamite.

8:15 AM – 8:30 AM – Break. Race Bobcat Tractor and Forklift up and down block to celebrate.

8:30 AM – 8:40 AM – Throw pieces of rebar into wood chipper “just to see what will happen”.

8:40 AM – Sound of Trevor’s completely superfluous alarm is drowned out by shearing metal, nailguns, and more jackhammering.

8:45 AM – Drop giant sheet of steel from forklift onto Pancho’s foot.

8:45 AM – 8:53 AM – Pancho screaming.  Sirens.

8:54 AM – Ambulance arrives.  More sirens.

9:00 AM – 10:30 AM  Now that entire neighborhood is awake and off to work, stop using powertools.  Quietly discuss blueprints and survey markers.  Speak to co-workers using your library voices.

10:30 AM – 11:40 AM – Break

11:40 AM – 12:00 PM – Meeting, re: where to go to lunch.

12:00 PM – 1:45 PM – Lunch break

1:45 PM – 2:30: PM – More discussions.  Re-arrange caution tape.  Deploy forty-seven more Detour signs around one intersection.

2:30 PM – Begin loading up tools and materiel.

2:45 PM – 3:00 PM – Break

3:00 PM – Knock off early.


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