Look on the bright side, suicide

Music – Thom Yorke – Black Swan

So Prop 8 passed, because every silver cloud needs a smoggy, acid, pollution-riddled shit-brown lining.

Way to go, fucks.  You’ve disgraced your state and disappointed your country.  You’ve shit the bed and everyone knows it.


The day I’m proud to be American and ashamed to be Californian has arrived, a perverse and frightening state of affairs that I once thought could only occur in some fucked up parallel dimension, in a place where pigs fly, the sun sets in the east, and the Raiders don’t suck.

Christ, even in our hour of triumph we are beset with tards and fanatics.  I’ve long felt California a fortress, a sanctuary safe from the vile hordes of snaggle-toothed morons roaming the Great Plains of the Midwest and the foul bogs of the South.  I thought we were the Beacon of Hope in dark times, not without a lion’s share of flaws and eccentricities and weirdness, but at least civilized and righteous enough to not get mixed up in the fundamentalist psychoses our nation’s become so (in)famous for.  But no.

Granted, there were signs. I should have noticed.  Depressing portents and evil auguries abound for those wise enough to read them.  The birth and rise of the Megachurch down south, for one.  Hundreds of thousands show up to these modern stadium/cathedrals.  And not just the ignorant and inbred; wealthy, suburban families in places like Orange County and San Diego and Ventura come to these Temples of Suck in goddamn droves, bringing with them their wallets, their influence, and their impressionable and prolific brats.  The Megachurches have done for Christianity what Walmart has done for retail, which is a terrifying thought.

Shit.  I should not be surprised, I suppose.  One cannot count on a state that elects Arnold Schwarznegger governor in our time of direst need to do any fucking thing right.

And yet the burden of blame falls not on Californian shoulders alone.


The Prop 8 campaigns, both For and Against, were the most expensive proposition campaigns in California history.  By far.  We’re talking hundreds of millions of dollars, money spent attacking (and defending) a fundamental and harmless right of a small minority.  Millions that could have been spent on schools or infrastructure or any other fucking thing besides this ridiculousness.  I’d rather see us spend a hundred million dollars to construct a thousand life-sized talking Michael Jackson robots which could be placed on random streetcorners to entertain tourists.  I’d rather see it spent on dance classes for the homeless, or free food for the super-rich.  Hell I’d rather see it blown on something SERIOUSLY pointless, like prisons or the military.  Anything but a fucking fight over gay marriage. Grow the fuck up.

The sheer waste of it all boggles the goddamn mind.

But where did all that money come from, in these times of scarcity and economic woe?  Did the fanatical and stupid simply pray it into existence at their idiotic Jesus rallies?  Did they re-finance their double-wide trailers? Sell their ritalin-fueled children to white slavers?  Have one big-ass motherfucking bake sale?


They didn’t have to.

Because they got the money from that darkest, most hateful of places in the English-speaking world:

Salt Lake City.

Fucking Mormons.


For a long time, religion and I have maintained a relationship of silent contempt.  We’ve been content to utterly despise each other in relative quiet, occasionally muttering harsh words under our breath or kicking briefly at each other under the table, but otherwise maintaining at least a cursory civility for appearance’s sake.

We didn’t want to make a scene, and make things awkward for our mutual friends.

No more.  Fucking Christians have gone way, way too far with this Prop 8 shit.  Gloves are off.  The Jesusfreaks started it, and it’s up to us to finish it.

When people think of Mormons, the first thing they think of is South Park.  They think of harmless, dim-witted cartoonish boys riding bikes in pairs.  Mormonism is generally considered an eccentric, somewhat silly little branch of the old and huge Christian family tree.

Yeah fucking right.  You nubs have no idea.

The Mormon Church resembles a corporation more than anything else.  It’s huge, absolutely huge, and far more efficient and powerful than the average American realizes.  This is not some cult the first amendment requires we tolerate, living on their little Utah reservation and keeping to themselves.  The Church of Latter-day Saints is a fucking powerhouse.

The Church owns Pepsi and all its subsidiaries, including chains like KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell.  The Church has investments that rival those of small nations, and if it were “private”, would be on par with companies like Exxon when it comes to profits.

The Mormon Church is the largest private landowner in the United States.

And of course they pay no taxes.

After all, they’re a church.

So when it came time to make a stand against progress and equality and secularism in California of all places, they dug deep and forked over millions.  Millions upon millions.

They accounted for upwards of 70% of the money invested in the Yes on 8 movement, money that financed a campaign of fearmongering, deliberately misleading commercials, of deceit and out-right threat.

And they won.  Their ability to organize, mobilize, finance and coerce was absolutely underestimated by the No on 8 folks. They succeeded in entrenching an utterly ridiculous tenant of their backwards-ass superstitious bullshit faith in the California constitution.  And we are burdened with the shame and stigma as being one of the few places in the civilized world where gays can’t marry.

Fuck you very much, Mormons.


I imagine my Mormon friends are feeling quite offended and singled out about now.  So let’s not forget the rest of you shitbags that voted Yes.  The Mormons might have paid for it, but you succumbed, you went and Did the Deed, voting that filthy shit in.

You church-going asshats have let us down across the GOD DAMN board.  At worst, you were instrumental in this amendment’s passage.  At best, you were a fucking passive enabler who stood aside while your more fanatical fellows cursed us with this shit.

It’s you middle of the road Jesus people that make me the most crazy.  You lead lives based on ostensibly modern and humanist morals and beliefs, but your mere silent acceptance of outrageous dogmatic shit like the “wrongness” of homosexuality is infuriating.  It’s a fucking disgrace.

You look back, historically, at the retarded-ass laundry list of shit that American Christianity has crusaded against, things like Dungeons and Dragons, Ozzy Osbourne, and inter-racial marriage, and you really get a sense for how absurd these people are.  I try to place myself in the mind of a Christian, and come up with a list of Greatest Threats to My Way of Life:

#1) Gay Marriage
#2) A Black President
#3) Evolution
#4) Witchcraft
#5) Abortion

Compare that to my personal list of Greatest Threats to My Way of Life:

#1) Christians
#2) Economic Disaster
#3) Environmental Collapse
#4) Fox News
#5) Mac Users

You’ll notice that Gay Marriage doesn’t even make the list.  Why is that?

Because it DOES NOT FUCKING AFFECT ME AT ALL.  WHO THE FUCK CARES IF GAYS GET MARRIED?  Homosexuality is not fucking transmissible.  Your kids can not catch gay in a public school.

If you don’t like gay marriage, rather than outlawing it, how about you just DON’T MARRY SOMEBODY THAT’S YOUR SEX?

Let’s make a brief comparison.  I personally hate eggs.  I hate the way they smell, they taste, they look.  I find them utterly offensive in every way, and I will not eat them under any circumstance.  Eggs are gross.  They are wholly fucking repulsive.

And yet I have not spent my time organizing a multi-million dollar campaign to outlaw eggs in the state of California.  Because I’m an adult fucking human and can recognize that my bias and prejudice, fervent as it is, is my own, and should not be forcibly impressed upon my peers.  I know this because I’m not a fucking idiot.  Or a Christian.

And of course it’s not like Mormonism has a fucking leg to stand on when it comes to defining and defending “traditional” marriage.  How about gays can only get married if the husband marries like nine or ten dudes, instead of just one?

I hope your myopic, primitive, disgraceful little proposition gets overturned in court and all the time and money you spent putting it together gets wasted.  I hope all of your kids turn out gay, I hope your goldfish die, and I hope when you make it to the Pearly Gates of your preferred afterlife, there’s a fucking No on 8 poster on the door.



P.S. You people who voted for the high-speed train when our state is in the midst of its worst budget crisis in history and facing multi-billion dollar shortfalls, you’re idiots too.


2 Responses to “Look on the bright side, suicide”

  1. toastisyummy Says:

    Goodness! Mac users made it into your top 5? Well, I guess it’s only fair; pretty much all of us Mac users are pretentious pricks. Still, I can’t help but feel a little perturbed being placed in a list with Christians, Fox News, et al. That’s just cold esé!

    I think I’ll let it slide. So far, after clicking “next blog” about four hundred times this is the only blog I’ve come across that seems worth reading. I better not find any more good ones because I’ve dished out the one compliment per day I allow myself.


  2. Agree! We Mac user are not all shit pricks. Your blog is fun to read, you write what you thing, thats great. Thumbs up and keep up the good work.

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