I embrace the many-colored beast

Music – The Sex Pistols – Anarchy in the UK

It’s been nearly a week since I’ve seen blue sky.  The sun came out briefly yesterday, a creeping red smear above the horizon, barely visible through the smoke.  California is burning, and the fires have left our city shrouded in a foul brown-grey miasma.  You can smell the death of a thousand old-growth forests on the wind.  Everything you eat tastes like ash and embers.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in this city. It’s like the third world.”
“This is no passing calamity, this is a premonition.  This is a glimpse of what our city will be like after another twenty-odd years of Republican environmental policy.  Get used to it.”

Wandering the streets through this fucked up Bladerunner murk messes with your head.  The grime gets in your lungs, your bloodstream, suffusing your body through your pores and your ears and your eyeballs.  It turns high noon to twilight.   Beneath the veil of smoke, men’s minds fill with evil thoughts.

There is nought to do but lock your doors, load your guns, and pray for offshore winds.

——-

We began our search for a replacement roommate yesterday.  Viv’s taking off for greener pastures.  Ellie and I wrote individual ads, planning to combine them after we’d each fleshed out exactly what we were looking for in a roommate.

Hers talked about seeking someone to share our home for $700 a month, someone professional and responsible and clean.  Someone quiet and friendly, male or female.  Mine was a little more detailed, and way better.

reply to MBYMfool@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-06-26, 2:17PM PDT

SUP FOLKZS

LF1M FOR APARTMENT PST.

$1000/mo (+ utilities) for your OWN ROOM in Nob Hill.  Great view, washer/dryer, split bath, TWO (2) couches, many attractive houseplants.

Must like long walks on the beach, and sushi.  Must not steal my stuff.  Haha.

Male or Female OK, but if you’re male you better have a sweet ass fucking flatscreen TV or something.  One of those big HD Sonys with True Black and some crazy ass resolution, where you can count the hairs in Ann Coulter’s mustache when you watch Fox News.  And an XBOX 360 and a Wii wouldn’t hurt.  Or a foosball table.


Must comply with passive-aggressive Post-It notes I leave on your door about washing your fucking dishes.  Must like to clean up after other people.  Must have the courtesy to light matches and open a window after you free the chocolate hostages.  Must help carry me up our three flights of stairs when I come home hammered.  Must not own a Mac or complain about me hanging homoerotic Johnny Depp posters in the common areas.

Must not bogart the shelves in the medicine cabinet.  Must be hella quiet when I’m taking a nap.

Must not think Dane Cook is funny.

Street parking only, and good fucking luck with THAT shit.

No felons, junkies, hipsters, conservatives, communists, Christians, poor people, vegans, short people, fixie riders, artists, “bloggers”, Gypsies or lawyers.

Exotic dancers, gourmet chefs, and celebrities welcome.

Must not be weird or ugly.  Or old.

No pets.

it is NOT ok to contact this poster with services or commercial interests.

—–

“Ok I sent you my craigslist ad.” I told Ellie.
“Yeah.”
“Did you read it?”
“I did.”
“Well?”
“We’re using mine.”
“WHAT? What’s wrong with mine?!”
“You’re an idiot.  I refuse to put my name on an ad asking for a gourmet cooking stripper with a plasma screen TV, a foosball table, and an Xbox.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
“Why not, that’s the god damn perfect roommate?!”
“And why the hell are you asking for a thousand when the room’s only 700?”
“Oh, did I… did I put the wrong price down? My… my bad…”

Dammit, she notices every little fucking thing.  Fuck.  That extra three hundo was going to get donated to my favorite charity, the Trevor Needs A Sweet Jetski Fund.

Don’t shake your head at me.  Take a little extra from one roommate… don’t tell the other… that’s just how this game is played.

1000 – 700 = MAD CASHFLOW, SON.

That’s called math, folks.

-T.

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One Response to “I embrace the many-colored beast”

  1. radientlife Says:

    Good ideas! Too funny.

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