Whoopee, we’re all gonna die

Congratulations, America.

You fucking idiots. You sons of bitches.

I seriously, and I mean bottom-of-my-heart needle-in-the-eye honest, hope you all starve when our economy collapses. Starve.

I hope each and every one of you wearing a Hillary sticker is forced to eat your children while you’re burning piles of devalued twenty-dollar bills for warmth in winter.

The more poll results roll in, the deeper I sink into drink and homicidal depression. Because of you. This is your fault. Thank purple roosevelt jesus I was at capoeira for the last two hours and am too thus too tired to go on my machete-wielding murder rampage.

You fucks.

Don’t you bitches know that she voted for the war? Don’t you know she’s pro-censorship? Don’t you know her ‘national healthcare plan’ is a complete clusterfuck nightmare? Don’t you FUCKING READ ANYTHING EVER?

No, of course you don’t. But you damn well exercised your franchise anyway.

I would love national healthcare. I would also love my own Jessica Alba clone and a fucking skateboard made of diamonds. But at some point you have to be realistic. You have to prioritize, to think about what changes will do the most good. For yourself and your countrymen and your children.



For the last decade or so, Fucking Ourselves In The Ass has surpassed our other two passions, baseball and frivolous lawsuits, to become our undisputed national pastime. That is the ONLY way to explain the Current State of Things.

At every turn, you choose poorly. Every time. Without fail. You base THE MOST important decision you will make this year on soundbites, reputation, and rumor.

If you put one one-hundredth of the effort into choosing your politicians that you do into choosing your fucking fantasy football drafts, America would be a gilded, glistening utopia, filled with old-growth forests and naked supermodels.

But you don’t.

And every day, we sink deeper into the shit.

Because you’re a tard.


I don’t have any particular love for Barack Obama. Based on his voting record, his policies, I think he’s a decent senator. He’s charismatic, uncreative, and inexperienced. As a president, at least he wouldn’t attack Iran and bleed our shitty economy dry with inept social programs. At least he’d slow down the demise of our personal rights, at least he wouldn’t be despised by half our country. He might not be anything special, but fuck, he certainly sucks WAY LESS than Hillary does.

Complete the arrow next to your choice of the least of the following evils.

This is the essence of American democracy.


I can’t believe you did this to me again.


Your incompetence, your apathy, your ignorance, your god damn avarice…

It’s killing me.

A girl at dinner asked me why I started yelling and slamming my hands on the table when I saw the results on CNN.

“Are you fucking joking?”


“I’m enraged because this fucking shit matters, man. This shit is serious. Don’t you care?! The precedents fucktard Bush has set will be the bane of this country for the next hundred years. Your fucking great grandchildren will be paying the price for his eight years. No exaggeration.

I’m enraged because for one fucking sliver of a second I made the mistake of thinking the democrats might come through and pick somebody who isn’t a complete fuck to run our nation, somebody who might undo a least a little of Bush’s damage.

I’m enraged because picking between Hillary and McCain is like being asked to choose which of my balls to saw off with a steak knife.”

“Hillary’s not that bad, come on…”

“SILENCE. You are obviously and completely ignorant. Get thee behind me, you ignorant shit.”

Tonight is no night to go easy on friends.


If McCain gets elected, we pour another trillion dollars into Iraq, then invade Iran. Unilaterally.

If Hillary gets elected, we spend a bunch of time and money on bloated, spineless social programs. We also pour another trillion into Iraq.

She fucks up our country even worse, and the backlash is such that we get another eight years of Christian fundamentalism and warmongering in the White House when she loses the 2012 election.



Ladies: you really dropped the ball today.

This was no time for white chick solidarity. I would like a woman president too, but the welfare of our nation takes precedence over your desire to see some sexual variety in the Oval Office.

Way to go, girls.


Well fuck now it’s 2 AM on a weeknight and I’m drunk and very, very angry.


You all suck.

So America is fucked.

The downward spiral is picking up speed.

I think I can almost see the bottom from here.

I am filled with despair and disgust.

Oh well.

At least the Patriots lost.




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