I did not shoot the deputy.

For whatever reason, I find myself often accused of being heartless. Of being cold, remorseless, utterly without compassion. On two occasions, I was even called “Republican.” With a straight face.

It’s all a matter of perspective, but then again, isn’t everything?

This is going to get intense, so try to keep up.

Let me start by telling you a joke.

Question: What’s worse than slipping on a banana peel?
Answer: The Holocaust.

Jesus, what kind of evil bastard would think that was funny? Have you no morals?

There are so many different levels of morality that that’s a tricky question to answer.

I spent an hour and a half writing about these Levels of Morality but it ended up sounding like some kind of freaky manifesto so I deleted it. It’s somewhat worrisome that a long and verbose explanation of my own worldview ends up sounding like a fucking manifesto, but hey, many are the burdens I bear for you all.

Instead of that whole mess, let’s talk about how the world is going to end instead. The world is going to end because people are selfish and stupid, pretty much without exception. It’s not going to be devastated by great evils or nuclear war or the four horsemen or aliens and locusts and shit like Tom Cruise thinks. If the shit does hit the fan in a big way, with plagues and tanks and murder and all that, it’ll be just another symptom, not the true illness. It won’t be a great calamity, it’ll be a million, million tiny ones. It won’t be the tyranny or vengeance of a few men or fanatics, it’ll be the massive, cumulative, snowballing evil of People Like Us. Because people don’t care, and they don’t maintain a proper perspective, and they don’t think. They like to think that they think, or think that they care, but that’s all. That’s enough, for most.

Let’s take you, for example. You watched An Inconvenient Truth. You give your change to the homeless. You love your mom and you buy organic. You go to church sometimes. You hate the war and you vote democrat. You ride public transportation, taking the 22 day after day even though it’s filled with shrieking preteens and smells like a horse stall. Good for you, you fuck. Sleep well. You’re better than those midwestern v8 drivin’ pro-war anti-spotted owl jesus freaks, aren’t you. And when you wake up into a nightmare, when everything tastes like blood and ash and toxic waste, throw your hands up and scream LORDY LORDY WHAT HATH MY INNOCENT ASS DONE TO WARRANT SUCH PUNISHMENT!?

Nobody will answer you, of course, because there’s no god or angels or anything, but we’ll save that for another day.

Well let’s think about it. It won’t be sin that wrecks the world, it’ll be garbage, and you certainly crank out plenty of that. A lifetime of Aquafina bottles and DSW bags. A hundred thousand gallons of Woolite and bleach and 10W30 motor oil and Suave. A billion fucking zillion Starbucks cups. But wait, lots of that stuff can be recycled!

Oh yeah? On the rare, rare occasion that recyclables actually make it to the recycling center, how does it work? It doesn’t cause any pollution, right?

Right. You guessed it. They feed your fucking motor oil and Diet Coke cans and POM bottles to a huge herd of beautiful unicorns which eat garbage, shit butterflies, and piss hot cocoa. Thus is the world safe from your wasteful transgressions.

The truth is that they have to burn a fuck lot of coal to melt your shit down. They have to use a fuck lot of arsenic and zinc to leach the chemicals out of your shit. And they have to fill in a fuck lot of big holes to bury all the shit they can’t burn or melt.

But I never hurt anybody! I don’t litter, or drive a suburban, so fuck you Trevor! Right. And your Prius doesn’t have 10x the toxic heavy metals in it that a regular car does. And your previous two IMacs didn’t end up in a landfill the size of Georgia in the middle of Western China. And the organic fruit you buy doesn’t require five times the manpower and ten times the acreage and fifty times the transport fuel that regular pesticided Safeway fruit does.

Well enough about that, so what if I pollute. I pollute a lot less than others. That’s true, you do. Here’s your little gold star, ass. Maybe you can explain to your starving, mutated children what a conscientious citizen you were, and they’ll despise you less.

What about the war? I certainly don’t support that. War is wrong!

War is wrong. Killing people is wrong. When you pay your taxes, they take that money and they kill people with it. What about schools and welfare and Grand Teton’s National Park, Trevor? You’re right. Only 70% of your money goes to murder. You’re only 70% killer. My bad. Assuming you have far more faith in our current political shitstorm of a system than I do, maybe you can absolve yourself of some of the blame. After all, the people you elected didn’t vote for the war, did they? Wait yes they did. Look that shit up. Wait, my senators don’t vote for weapons programs and imperialist foreign policy. Yes they do, because a tiny piece of a tiny guidance system for a not so tiny missile is manufactured in your area, and if they didn’t vote for it, Americans Would Lose Their Jobs! Thou shalt murder minorities in other hemispheres if the only alternative is to have Americans lose their jobs. That’s in the Constitution.

Well what about foreign aid? At least my politicians support foreign aid. You want to help the third world? Step 1) Tell them to stop breeding. Stop dropping bombs on them, start dropping huge crates of condoms, birth control, and porno magazines. Wherever there are too many people with too few resources, people will start killing each other. En masse. Without fail. So unless you want to pre-emptively kill people, which is something so tasteless even I can’t advocate it, well then the next best thing is to stop them from having so many fucking kids. Then you just sit back and wait for the old people to die off. Thus is the burden eased and the genocide averted.

You do not paint a flattering picture of people, Trevor. We all mean well.

I hate to disillusion the starry-eyed hordes, but the universe cares not for good intentions. Love is not all you need. Food, clean air, biodiversity, population control and draconian government regulation of all corporations are all you need. Love is all you want.

Future generations will pay for our myopia in ways you cannot imagine. I’m talking serious evils; fire and brimstone and massacres and cannibalism and all kind of badness. Neither technology nor Jesus nor true love nor the Planeteers can save them.

A lot of the disgust in one’s reaction to stuff I’m saying is rooted in the misconception that we were made in God’s image.

No way. If there’s any God in us, He only makes up about .001%, that tiny sliver of us that paints murals and loves rock and roll and cheers when every shuttle lifts off successfully. The rest is all mammal. You know what the difference between a starving, threatened, anguished man and a chimp is? Nothing. Just like rabbits or jackals or lizards or any other god damn creature, we will breed ourselves out of house and home. The only difference between us and them is that we’re far, far better at it.

Man, I’m such a fucking downer. Thankfully, I figure we’ve got one or two more generations of mindless, cheery plummeting through the abyss until we really slam into the hard ground. You and I will be safely dead when the real magnitude of how bad we fucked up becomes apparent. Our grandkids will be shown no quarter, which is a scary thought, but fuck them let’s party. Right? Wrong.

So what does this all mean? What is there to do but despair?

Beats me, brothers and sisters. I wish I knew. I just see more of the impending iceberg than the average man, I think, so it bugs the christ out of me when people take trivialities too seriously. Those people protecting three fucking trees in Berkeley, people who care more for their paycheck than their world, people who think fucking prayer circles and voter registration drives can set things right… fuck those people. They make me crazy. So many people, so many, get wrapped up in this mindless crap. Why protest them cutting down one fucking oak tree when they’re clear-cutting so much rainforest in Indonesia you can see the shit from space? Why protest against abortion or gay marriage or any of that shit that gets the Jesus people so up in arms? You know what Jesus hates more than two dudes getting married? Genocide due to overpopulation. The absolute best thing, my favorite thing about the gays is that they don’t have so many fucking kids! Abortion illegal? Fuck that! It should be god damn encouraged. When I rise to power, there will be an abortion clinic next to every Applebee’s and Bestbuy in the nation.

People, so many people, they love to cry to the heavens how important their little crusade is. Childhood obesity or free trade coffee or dolphin free oreo cookies or fucking whatever just shut the fuck up.

Friends, brothers, come the hell on. I don’t give a flying fuck that you think illegal immigrants deserve drivers licenses or that you’re afraid of Wal-Mart putting all the mom and pops out of business or that Revlon is testing the toxicity of its new nail polish by drowning albino gorillas in it. It doesn’t fucking matter.

Humanity has far, far, far bigger fish to fry.

Get some perspective. First we can worry about the big shit, then we can work on getting universal panda suffrage or free marijuana for California teachers or whatever retarded inane things you weirdos obsess about.

Fucking idiots.



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