A conversation with the bees and birds and ants

I fell off the wagon.

That’s not exactly true.

I was dragged kicking and screaming from the back of the wagon by the raucous lowlifes I call my friends. Under cover of night, dressed in black fatigues and wearing ski masks, they ambushed the wagon with guns drawn, kidnapping me from a life of sanctimonious ease and social acceptance. Now we’re back in the cave I thought I had escaped, and I’m tied down to my old chair in front of my old monitor.

They dragged me back down here, and we’re playing DOTA again.

Soon they will remove the bindings. They know I won’t run.

I can’t.

It’s too fun.

Damn you guys.

——————-

They needed me. I bring a level of psychological warfare to the game that leaves our opponents without hope or happiness or even the will to live. My friends break their walls, their bodies, their fortresses. I break their souls.

[TheHierophant]: Alright you fuckers got me back, let’s play some dota before I come to my senses.
[go_bears]: game name: 6.27b -ap -sm -ar banlist USA! pros only no leavers no rush no skaadi pick razor = ban
go_bears has left EKM.

[TheHierophant]: how the fuck am I supposed to type that game name in right?
[cromjr]: i’m gonna steal all his towers this game.

go_bears has joined EKM.

[go_bears]: Wtf happened?
[TheHierophant]: Couldn’t remember the game name, so I gave up.
[CIAJEFE]: You guys playing dota?
[markdash]: I hate you.

5 minutes later…

[go_bears]: oMgKiMjOngIlkeke comes from Korea (KO).
oMgKiMjOngIlkeke has left the game.
oMgKiMjOngIlkeke whispers to you: FUK AMERICAS FAGET KOREA 4EVER
[TheHierophant]: if any of you high schoolers have a spanish quiz tomorrow morning and are gonna leave, leave now.
[markdash]: RF SLOTS NOOB HOST GAWD

5 minutes later…

FIRST BLOOD!
[Adrastus]: Got you sucka
[SamuelAlitoFTW]: LICH IS IMBA GOD DAMN!1
SamuelAlitoFTW has left the game.
[go_bears]: BANNED
[go_bears]: STAY STAY 4v5
[cromjr]: STAY
[TheHierophant]: Reported.
[markdash]: jefe drop to make it fair.

5 minutes later…

An allied hero has been killed!
Mortred the Phantom Assassin has fallen!
[TheHierophant]: BULLSHIT! BLOODSEEKER IS MAPHACKING!
[jewishpornoninja]: gawd stfu
[TheHierophant]: REPORTED. I HOPE YOU GET SARS.
[jewishpornoninja]: PA sux
[TheHierophant]: What’s your address? I just took a dump in a manila envelope and I wanna send it to you.

5 minutes later…

Ownage!
[TheHierophant]: Where you at now seeker? Blink strike is a bitch!
[jewishpornoninja]: gawd nub shut up
[TheHierophant]: Too bad that maphack didn’t show me coming, did it. You piece of filth. You’re nothing to me.
[jewishpornoninja]: sigh
[TheHierophant]: I hope you die alone.

5 minutes later…

[go_bears]: DEFEND MID GOD DAMN WHERE ARE YOU GUYS
[TheHierophant]: I’m fining you fifty cents a ping starting now.
[TheHierophant]: Hey Old McDonald you gonna keep fucking with those satyrs or push a lane?
[cromjr]: Don’t worry about me fool.
[TheHierophant]: Might as well start installing irrigation ditches and hiring illegal immigrants if you’re gonna farm that hard, Patrick.
[CIAJEFE]: Roshan?
markdash whispers to you: I hate him so much.

5 minuets later…

[go_bears]: crom stay the fuck away from that tower
[cromjr]: whatever i did half the damage on that shit
[go_bears]: are you FUCKING KIDDING ME
cromjr has left the game.
Your friend cromjr has exited Battle.net
[jewishpornoninja]: BANNED
[go_bears]: BNANED!
[markdash]: fucking leavers
Your friend cromjr has entered Battle.net
cromjr whispers to you: Wes fucking unplugged me from the router when I killed that tower. What the fuck!
/r BANNED

4 seconds later…

[Adrastus]: Where’d patrick’s items go?
[CIAJEFE]: I NEED HIS BOT AND SATANIC
[go_bears]: Mark where’s your chicken?
[markdash]: chicken? what chicken. I know no chicken.

5 minutes later…

[TheHierophant]: GOD DAMN JESUS H PARTICULAR CHRIST
[TheHierophant]: Could you STOP MAPHACKING you IMBA motherfucker jesus christ. Reported.
[jewishpornoninja]: pwned
[CIAJEFE]: Stop typing and help defend top Trevor
[TheHierophant]: Don’t ever tell me what to do or I’ll tell everyone about how you lost your virginity to a hermaphrodite in Dallas.
[markdash]: lol everybody knows that
[TheHierophant]: Yeah but you DON’T know that he/she had a lifesize tattoo of Bonnie Raitt’s face on his/her left ass cheek.
[go_bears]: lol
[TheHierophant]: And he/she made you call him/her El Generallissimo while you did it.
CIAJEFE has fallen!
MEGA KILL!
[CIAJEFE]: GOD THESE TEAMS ARE SO IMBA FUCK

————-

Then we go on to the EKM Ridiculous Excuses Post-Game Show and Blame Game.

God I love DOTA.

-T.

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