And now for something completely different

July 4, 2005

Guest Entry by Nate Monosoff

The following notes are akin to a guest speaker or lecture in an academic setting, meaning that the content is of questionable relevance, and the credibility of the speaker in serious doubt. The normal speaker, or leader of any academic activity, is also similarly tired occasionally, but the show must go on. So today, Nate will bring you thoughts on the 4th of July – spent in an off-the-map town in South Central Brazil.

There are no fireworks, there are no hot dogs, no barbeque, and no family or friends. There is a hell of a lot of free time + portuguese, which by the way is great language that can easily be spoken by eating a lemon and a roll of toilet paper and yelling profanely in English. To formulate southern accents, just omit any “r” sounds.

In fact, it isn’t actually the 4th of July here at all, and I don’t mean that figuratively, as in “The 4th of July as a meaning”. I mean literally that time space is very warped here. I have been able to determine this by using a pendulum to measure cyphon deflection. I believe I may be the first person on earth to recognize this important phenomenon, which affects normal lives very subtly. Often 14 yr old girls here are stunningly attractive and patient. Fountains are said to have never worked, and the lawyer to population index, or L/P ratio, is off the charts. These phenomenon, along with a few other omitted because they are still being confirmed, firmly establish that time space is very significantly warped here. Following is an important diagram: pay close attention to the axes.

/*Editor’s Note: There should be a diagram here, but the Editor doesn’t have a scanner and is unable to reproduce the thing in ASCII. Use your fucking imagination.*/

Another important characteristic, which I believe to be related in a similar way (See Above Diagram) to the cyphon deflection indicated by my pendulum, is that the “truth” here is independent of the speeches of lamebrained assholes who like to blow things up.

Also of note is the local practice, on all days but whatever day today is, of enjoying yourself. This custom, which is likely independent of cyphon deflections (See Diagram) is quite nice, if sometimes difficult to understand.

/*Editor’s Note: On the reverse of this page is a to do list, and a random list of movies worth owning. This has been omitted.*/

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