Hysterically useless


Yesterday was Valentine’s day. Yep. Someone asked me why I didn’t write a funny little “oh i hate valentine’s day” post. Because hating Valentine’s day has become even more cliche than enjoying it, that’s why. Because the whiny cashier at the mexican restaurant spent fifteen minutes telling me how she’s boycotting Valentine’s day. Listen here honey, spending your evening with a quart of Chunky Monkey and the first season of Ally McBeal does not give you the towering moral superiority one might expect. Granted, Valentine’s Day is retarded in all its aspects; it ranks somewhere between Groundhog Day and Saint Renfrew’s Day* in the grand scheme of American Holiday Idiocy. However, the fact that you couldn’t goad some equally drab, uninspired sophomore named Tim into paying Hallmark five bucks to prove his undying love to you doesn’t make you hot shit.

(*St. Renfrew’s Day – March 6th: St. Renfrew, an Austrian monk born in 1342; the patron saint of lost socks, and volleyball.

It can be tough playing both sides against the middle. The bile rose just as high when I saw some prissy hot bitch toting around a bunch of roses; tottering around in Ugs with four inch heels and adding just a scosh of haughty to that vacant smile, carrying around her flowers like an Aztec soldier carrying some hapless Spaniard’s scalp. Better hurry home and put your boyfriend’s dignity in a vase before it wilts.

That’s what Valentine’s Day is really all about, the things that make love and dating so worthwhile: ostracism, failed expectations, wasted money, and cute pink envelopes.

Just another Monday to me.

I had an entire other tirade prepared, sharpened to a deadly edge by the hours spent walking around campus with my hat pulled down and my headphones on high, but I think I’ll save it for another time. There’s only so much mysoginy I can dish out before the bricks start coming through the windows.

I’d like to tell you about my fascinating and adventurous weekend, but I didn’t have one so that’s out. This weekend was a straight-up no-chaser old school video game binge. I’d rather not incriminate myself too much, but let’s just say the fresh air and I spent very little time in each other’s company.

Things are in a state of tense idleness right now… I’m poised above some kind of fearful precipice, but I’m not sure of what nature. Probably academic. Fuck it. I alternate wasting my hours playing guitar and reading The Sound and The Fury, which accounts for the sparsity of updates. Time to go get nothing done. Peace.



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