They ask me where the hell I’m goin

Another night…
Another dream…
but always you.

just kidding.

Why am I the person I am today? Why do I live the life I do?

Good questions. For whatever reason, I have almost no functioning self-consciousness. I don’t mean self-consciousness in the sentient sense of the word, but more as the Ability To See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

For better or for worse, I act and speak and conduct myself in a way completely independent from the opinions and influences of others, to a large degree. More than just not caring what others think, a good part of the time I am straight unable to divine their view of me. Would I get along with me if we were to meet for the first time? I have no idea. I am a reasonably good judge of character in others, and even when someone vexes me, I’m arbitrary and judgmental enough to categorize them anyway… but how would I do that to myself? I know how I describe myself, but if everyone I knew got together and had to make a trading card or book jacket or personal statement about me, what would they put? What would people say on Trevor’s Behind The Music?

Basically, I think it narrows down to the fact that I know myself, and I know others, but I don’t know how others know me. Do the me that I know and the me that everyone else knows have a lot in common? This shit makes for weird thoughts and even weirder pronoun conflicts…

I don’t know what set me off on this rickety ass nonsense tangent. My warped concept of objectivity…thinking about whether or not I need a haircut… who’s driving this fuckin crazy train, anyway?

Who really knows anything, on nights like tonight.

Summer’s lights are dimming; the mean and the hard and the weird are all sharpening their claws for the winter hunts. I’m a darker person than I once was, but I still don’t relish the near future, despite its congruity with my current state of mind. I’ve spent enough nights walking around aimlessly in this dive town to know how cold it really gets.

I’m starting to get The Fear, and steps must be taken to neutralize it. After all, even unhappiness and toil are preferable to the alternatives, like stagnation. Time to focus on the essentials: survival, innovation, improvement…

Anyone who’s ever lived inside my head knows it can get real strange real quick and this is one of those times.

So what’s the plan for the future? Back straight, stride long, lots of push ups.. Leather jacket and a clenched jaw, then see what develops.

See you out there,



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